...hmmm.. ok..

What Causes Urinary Tract Infections?

The most common cause of UTI is bacteria from the bowel that lives on the skin near the rectum or in the vagina which can spread and enter the urinary tract through the urethra. Once bacteria enters the urethra it travels upward causing infection in the bladder and sometimes other parts of the urinary tract.

Sexual intercourse is a common cause of urinary tract infections because the female anatomy can make women more prone to urinary tract infections. During sexual intercourse bacteria in the vaginal area is sometimes massaged into the urethra by the motion of the penis.

Women who change sexual partners or begin having sexual intercourse more frequently may experience bladder or urinary tract infections more often than women in monogomus relationships. Although it is rare, some women get a urinary tract infection every time they have sex.

Another cause of bladder infections or UTI is waiting too long to urinate. The bladder is a muscle that stretches to hold urine and contracts when the urine is released. Waiting very long past the time you first feel the need to urinate causes the bladder to stretch beyond its capacity which over time can weaken the bladder muscle. When the bladder is weakened it may not empty completely and some urine is left in the bladder which may increase the risk of urinary tract infection or bladder infection.

regurgitated at - 2005-02-01 @ 2:57 p.m.

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...Sic.. That is sic..

"You'd better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you'd better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yaw"
-Eminem "Lose Yourself"

To those who are accustomed to reading my entries, pardon me for those withdrawals that you suffer for not reading my entries, or perhaps the outcome of reading my entries my result in the same context. Nonetheless, I hope that my dissappearance is not treated as a non-existent entity but rather, someone who is deep in contemplation on life. ok, ok.. yar, am too lazy to update my blog..everytime want to update.. sure got something distract one lah.. sorry.. sorry

I am diagnosed with urinary tract infection, one of the more serious case of infection known to mankind. Ok, so I am over-exaggerating but you should have listened to how my doctor described my urine test result. the drama ensues..

Doctor: Your urine test is bad Seha.. Kinda serious..
Seha: My wat? you mean you can see so many things from my little urine drops ah?
Doctor: Yes, we used strips of paper to test the content of that urine sample. Yours contain (*decided to forego this part since it is too explicit for readers..)
Seha: Oh, ok.. you mean you can see so many things in my urine ah? (as you can see, readers, my retardacy will arise when I kept repeating my line of questioning..)
Doctor: I will put you on antibiotics.. I give you two days leave, then you must ensure that you get ample rest..

So, that was a brief episode of me in the clinic.. which I tot was uneventful since I got to wait for the queue tat was ever so long, of up to ten people before me before it is my turn. My urinary tract is under safe levels, the occassional constrictions around the tummy area is unbearable at times, but in all, I think I can manage on medication for the next few days.. The antibiotics are also kinda strong, took me half an hour and I Am knocked out solid for a good 3 hours or so. The bravado in modern medication today, really relieves you instantly of any discomfort.

I am about to get killed writing this part of the entry, and I pray that not many people will be enouraged to read beyond the above paragraph. But, somehow, after all this while in school, I have deduced that my relationship with my classmates can only be on a professional basis as in teaming up in groups or just mutual frens who can get along by the regular hi's and bye's. Why do I say that? becos, I realised that I really cannot go on beyond the usual frens in the context of buddies or personally good frens. Why? Please, am nt blaming anyone for my own difficulty in assimilating into the class, just that, to finally conclude such a stand is kinda.. hmmm,, damning and demoralising. Sure, I would enjoy a more deeper and appreciated frenship. But, sometimes, some things are better left the way they are..

regurgitated at - 2005-01-31 @ 10:28 p.m.

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...Let's Take A Walk In The Park..

i sat for the PRMP paper today, and rushed thru the paper, regurgitating watever brain matter that my mind can recall within that short time frame of trying to digest wat I read abt three hours back. It can be that simple, when education and learning merely boils down to the memorisation. What the education hot shots up there didn't recognise is, well, we, ie the students of Singapore, are merely regurgitating watever we are learning at sch within such a short time frame that is called the exam duration. Imagine this, the amount of time that we spent memorising facts and information at every interval of our educational cycle, will end somehow during the great epic exams namely the PSLE, O LEVELS, A LEVELS and FINAL YR EXAMS [APPLICABLE TO BOTH UNI & POLY].

I wish someone can tell the guy sitting at the stand during the open hours of the MOE office opposite Buona Vista MRT station about the fact that our students are not learning anything by the time they reach their epic exams. They are merely regurgitating and memorising all these facts that learning is something more of a basis rather than the purpose in life. wat I am trying to say is, make learning fun, exciting, nt based on some syllabus and more experential than the daily routine of submitting work to the teachers in charge.

So, why am I suddenly have this preoccupation with enlightening the people in the MOE department, who will be having happy hours at the time I am writing this short essay? Becos, I had this episodic event in my life that is brought upon through my interaction with a student with mine. We were entering into our 2nd hour of tuition when suddenly I try to make a wisecrack abt going out to the Botanic Gardens one day to learn how the types of trees. My tutee looked at me, mortified might be an understatement to what I see on that face, and said, "Kak, we are not learning abt types of trees. We are learning abt the components of the trees." NOW, the shock is on me. A pri 4 girl is forced to learn the components of the trees instead of differentiating the different creations of God. This is outrageous! Imagine our kids not knowing which is the fragipanni tree and the daisies, thinking that the former is a fagrant made along Arab street shops and daisy is the girlfriend of Donald Duck.. Wait, do kids these days noe the Arab Street or Donald Duck at all? hmmm..

Am scared, very scared for our kids tmrw.. Becos, I dun want to grow up that fast, always believing that I wanna enjoy nature and not noe that chlorophyll is the green pigments in the leaf responsible for photosynthesis. Am gone for a while, I got to hug some tree to relate to its sadness.. BRB..

regurgitated at - 2005-01-18 @ 10:34 p.m.

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...Hear Thy Words.. For Thy Speaketh..

hardly watch tv these days, there is nothing interesting to watch at the first place, although I am waiting for my CSI episode that will commence at ten in a while. why i dislike watching tv? becos there is this tuning out effect you get when you tend to spend too much time either on the comp, going for tuition, lazing around the house or doing laundry. wat's up with me and laundry?

I have this habit of smsing jargonal words - is there such a word, jargonal? - which Nisa finds rather irritating on the exterior that I wonder whether I really should be using any of those words at the first place. For instance, I could have said "body parts", and yet I said "anatomy". Another instance would be "stupid and irritating", and yet I said "obnoxious". I need to cut down on the habit of talking just like the way I sms, read or write in text format.

I got this insane idea of writing a book of myself, something like an autobiography of myself at the age of 21. The insane idea was brought upon becos someone mentioned to me that I am living in a fast forwarded mode that sometimes, I got to slow down slightly to catch up with the lost times, things that average girls with the age like mine should be spending time with like guys, fashion and grades. I keep saying to myself, look at the big picture and all that little flaws will not matter. well, dun they to a certain extent matter to anyone at all at the first place?

regurgitated at - 2005-01-18 @ 10:31 p.m.

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...reflections of a darkened soul..

I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well girl im not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think im gonna lose my mind
- Babyface, The Loneliness -

the day is lazy, my parents are nowhere in sight, obviously becos of the hajj. Maybe, I can never get to the idea of living on my own, boredom nibbles slowly at the edge of that silence as I try to figure out wat to do within the next few hours of the day. It ain't getting brighter here, but at the same time, it ain't getting more cheerful these days.

having tuition over the sundays, at least there is something to keep me occupied over the weekend, so much for positive thinking.I gotten used to having something to do everyday, that doing nothing is something alien, something that is unacceptable, at least in my dictionary. when I am busy with something, I feel like crawling back in bed for another round of sleeping and dreaming of a beautiful sunset. dunno wat's up with me and sunsets, maybe, the idea that I am somewat similar to the sunset, nt in the darkness, not in the light.. nt here, nt there.

was I even there when we were together? or just a fragment of that surreal imagination you created to compensate your loneliness? we were together aren't we, so why are we so far apart when we were near? I stared at you, did you even notice that I was there looking at you?

am I ambivalent to the things happening around me? there is this capability to tune out, to ignore and pretend that nothing much has changed, people dun change and there is such thing as pausing for the weaker ones. Well, do we ever stopped to ponder wat it feels to live a life of another within the same age, a 21 year old milkmaid, a 21 year old young mother, a 21 year old billionaire's daughter, a 21 year old prostitute.. ever tot of that? I did, and the images were vivid, scary, fascinating and above all these, amazing..

regurgitated at - 2005-01-15 @ 8:50 p.m.

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...Did My Laundry.. I DID MY F***ING LAUNDRY!!

Declaration of the day: I did laundry, all by myself. From dumping it into the washing machine, adding the softener to the rinsing and placing it in the spinner to hanging it out one by one on the bamboo poles secured with clothes peg. Am no longer a laundry-virgin, I know how to make those clothes clean again. oh, ok.. so I overdid the excitement and placed three capfuls of softener and ended up with a "softener-smelling" kitchen. But, lek ah.. I've tried okkkaayy..

My parents have left for hajj, am home alone.. Home alone.. Oh yeah.. :)

regurgitated at - 2005-01-12 @ 11:47 p.m.

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...Pangs of Loneliness..

Come on in
Did you have a hard time sleeping..
'Cause a heavy moon was keeping you awake
And all I know is I'm just glad to see you again..
- Norah Jones, Those Sweet Words -

Chatted with Faizah last night, it's been a while since I last chatted with her, and last night was hilariously fun. We talked abt the boys in the ex-school. We talked abt wanting to travel and working in other places. We talked abt leaving everything behind and go into a distant place where we can be ourselves, and really love ourselves for the first time. We talked abt wat is on hot on tv schedulel, the soccer matches, the swimming expeditions and the cool Vicenti in some God Knows soccer group. I missed my girlfrens, I never felt that way for some time. Wish I Can make that feeling go away..

New Year Resolutions anyone? I dun really quite make out wat is mine supposed to be, because I will either end up 1) forgetting wat were the resolutions that I made, 2) end up breaking them altogether and 3) only performing them with the realisation that it has already ended. So, my new year resolution is to make new year resolutions in the years to come. Right..

I am nt going to reflect much on 2004, in fact there are not much to reflect on except the frequent slips into the oblivion and how each crawl to resurface into the real world is getting painful. I am holding on, so just hold on.. Reminds me of REM song, Everybody Hurts..

I only got one question though, why does my mind ages faster than my body? Entrapment: Being in a 21 year old body but having a mind of a 30 year old on normal days, add another decade to that on my period days. I feel so grown up, my mind is hardened and shaped by watever experiences I come by. Time waits for no man, it speeds up even faster for a woman.

Betul cakap kau Kay, kau yang lagi tua tapi akuk yang mcm lagi tua dari kau.

Khai wants me to join the singing competition with him this Jan. It is a bet that I made, if he joins, I will join. So, he did. And landed me in this pile of promised shit I made. Anyone wanna teach me how to sing, and not someone making noise? Hmmm..

regurgitated at - 2005-01-04 @ 11:40 a.m.

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...That moment of time..

But I'm fooling myself
I'm fooling myself
Cause you say you love me
And then you do it again, you do it again
You say your sorry's
But then you do it again, you do it again
- Travis, Re-Offender -

I shuddered at the revelation of the song, it just vibrates through the columns of bones lined up in my body. I think the song just reflects the attitude that I am going through with him. The complexities and each time I ignore the pain that he put me through, trying to cover up for his past mistakes when I should have just taken the signs and treated him in the past of mine.

I browsed through the papers today, the tsunamis statistics were scary but real. There are people lying dead out there, some haven't been found while others are in tremendous pain. There must be a reason for this calamity that struck at such a great scale. Immediately I recalled the historical findings of Pompeii, and Lut where God has sent down calamities to them for their ignorant behaviour and promiscuity that was rampant among their people. I can't help by connotate such similarities with the tragedies of Sunday. Are we regressing to that level of the Pompeiians and the Lut such that we are tested on our humanity? The Iraq War has divided people around the world for their stand against it, it only takes a moment of natural disaster to bring us together in full force to help the less fortunate. Irony, it is painted all over the place.

regurgitated at - 2004-12-30 @ 11:13 p.m.

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...Seha Mail.. :)

to syez: yeap, I am a SP student. into my second year of mass comm now, got another 2 more semesters to go before graduating. Wonder which fac are you from.. and the name means to be fluent in thoughts and aural communication. wonder whether I have lived up to my name at the first place. and welcome to my blog circle then, I seldom ask for my guests' permission to link up..

to paro: i am ok, in a morbid way. thanks for dropping a taggie, and nice way of decorating the room, dah lama tak singgah your house for some slumber party.. :) maybe, we can have that over at my place when I am on my own for the month ah.. cheers..

to jas: wat the hell is the smile for? cannot talk ah?

regurgitated at - 2004-12-28 @ 11:22 a.m.

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...beauty is so over-rated..

B:

Your Beauty lies
in Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl next
door. People tend overlook you as you are the
"normal girl", but you're actually
very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to
set you apart, but more that
lets you blend. People love the stability you have
because as others may come
and go, you will always be there and you may always
be the same. You like simple
things and that's what people like about you. You
most likely enjoy things most
consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort
of thing and are very friendly
and probably have many friends. You are sweet and
kind and that shows on you,
but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a
rather well-rounded
individual. Even though some people pass you off as
just another girl, shrug it
off because they don't know what they're
missing.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color:
Pinks, Blues, Browns Song:
Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple
Smile

Gemstone:
Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox
Demon, Hobbit Planet: Jupiter Hair
Color: Light Brown Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the world."

regurgitated at - 2004-12-26 @ 12:22 a.m.

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...dat girl in me..

Your dark side is centered around Fear. There is
too many feelings are burning inside your chest
making your heart beats so hard, you feel fear
crawling under your skin, running with your
blood, possesing your soul. All you want is a
warm shoulder to lean on, a quite voice tells
you everything is going to be ok, so you
finally feel secure, safe and loved like you
always wanted to be. You will find what you
want when your feelings start to see the light.


What is the center of your dark core? (updated)
brought to you by Quizilla

regurgitated at - 2004-12-26 @ 12:21 a.m.

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...ms personality..

You're a very mellow, care-free person. Your
exactly what calm, cool, and collected mean.
You never overreact or panic in a bad situation
and you always know what to do. Everyone goes
to you for advice because you never lose your
head so your very reliable. You tend to take
everything in stride, like in school your moto
is just sit back and relax not to say you dont
pay attention and work, but you dont overexert
yourself. Even though people come to you for
counciling(sp?) you can still be very quite,
your not good with making new friends, but your
extremely close to the ones you have. Remember
its ok to put your emotions out there even
though there is a chance they might get hurt.
Also in school sometimes its good to stress out
a little, just because you think you dont need
to study doesnt mean you should'nt, and also
try to push yourself more even though you might
be good where you are doesnt mean you can,t be
better.


Whats Your Personality(with PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

regurgitated at - 2004-12-26 @ 12:18 a.m.

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...har har har..

STAND UP: You are a natural stand-up comedian. You
watch the news with people, and when you give
your opinions, people start laughing. They are
not laughing at you, they are laughing because
what you say is so TRUE. The world is a very
funny place, full of natural comedy. All you do
is repeat various humorous things that you
notice from everyday life. Your unique
perspective on the world is what makes you so
funny. Of all the various comedy types, you may
be the funniest of them all!

PREMIUM COMEDY OF YOUR TYPE IS WELCOMED AT:

How funny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

regurgitated at - 2004-12-26 @ 12:13 a.m.

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..... It is not my fault..

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through, I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down,
Darling wait and see
And between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you..love me
- Colin Raye, Love Me -

you're a smart girl.. so, why did I fall in love with someone like you? weird isn't it, it all started with a simple hi and the dissappointing bye. why am I so into you, when I turn around, I can almost smell your scent that is in the air, your face that forms in the cloudy dreams, the one that I can never have but the one that will take it all away. you're the disease, the drug I can't resist..

watched The Swan on tv, beauty is only skin dipped. the brilliance of medical technology transforming ugly people into graceful swans. does the insides matter anymore, when you can be happy with wat you see, but not wat you feel. talk is cheap, beauty does not come from inside, it envelopes you and attempts to make you beautiful inside. imagine this, we feel more confident, more prettier, more handsome when we see ourselves in the mirror each day, telling how good we look, how proud we have those looks and how we can get the look we want. eat Xtrim or Xando, the slimmer you are, the more desirable you become, the less "you" you become.

everybody's driving these days, they all got the licence to drive. i feel encouraged to learn it, to have power behind the wheels, to feel in control of the situation. so, I didn't take up the lessons, becos I dun want to be in control of something that is fated. this destiny thing, it does nt work when you are in control. you can almost easily blame it as a part of game that fate plays on you. you let someone have control over you, becos, at the end of the day, when things go wrong, you dun want to blame yourself. can we do that? isn't it much easier? to blame the driver than the owner of the vehicle.. dun blame yourself, blame wat the situation make you do unknowingly..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-26 @ 12:08 a.m.

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.....everyone understand, nobody knows..

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
And she can't find her place
She's losing her faith
she's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah
-Avril Lavigne, Nobody's Home-

something makes me feel like crying these days. wake up from sleep.. cry. in the shower... cry. watching tv... cry. eating my meals.. cry. staring at the monitor.. cry. walking around the house.. cry. going to sleep.. cry. a crying baby in the making, maybe it is already fated to be one.

mak and ayah going away for haj next month, the entire house will be mine at my dispense starting from then on.. a total month of loneliness and staring at the monitor in the late nights. ever wonder how it feels not to have anyone to care for you a complete one month. maybe I will stay over at along's place, or grandma's place or my maternal uncles' and aunts' places. the ones on my paternal side never bothered to offer, maybe, I wasn't that close to them anyway, so guess it is matured. mak is always angry when I speak ill of them, I never meant to but guess, the resentment that lingers deep inside is just there to remind how things were and how perceptions never change easily with the passing of time.

scared, scared of wat will happen in the future for me. people are asking me wat I wanna be, laughing when I said I wanna be myself, I wanna be proud of myself. people have expectations on me, my parents, my siblings, my frens, the community, the government. saying that I wanna be myself is not really a gd justification for something that is considered a statistic for the kind of investment the government got to do for education.

tired, tired of everything that is pulling me down at the moment. I can't stop wondering if I am the pinnacle of all pain and hurt that keeps coming this way. funny, they were uninvited ones..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-25 @ 11:45 p.m.

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..... so this is my happy ending..

Sam: "Ya ha ha thought of askin to blow me last night ha ha sorry abt tat. But I have managed to release myself already. So what have u been up to recently?"
Sam: what is the meaning of that?
Kayla: well...he wanted u to help him release..but sumhow he managed to find a way to do it himself
Kayla: call it desperate kot
Kayla: does he has a problem masturbating?
Sam: sometimes..
Sam: the little thing is failing him at times..
Kayla: hah!
Kayla: typical ol guy who still dsnt want to admit that hes reachin his downfall
Sam: haha
Sam: maybe ah..
Sam: aku dah lama refrain to msg him actually..
Sam: didn't message him close to a week..
Sam: then he started off with.. "are you asleep already yang?" at 0345 AM??

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Kayla: ok let me ask u something
Sam: sure
Sam: go ahead
Kayla: arent u mad or angry when u receive that msg?
Kayla: because its like a guy asking a release from his mistress
Sam: oddly.. I feel honoured in some sense.. to be remembered in some way.. although it may seem lewd.. but.. at least he remembers me.. true?
Sam: like wat you said.. he only needs me when.. he sees the function of me in his circumstances.. he didn't realised that.. that he was using me for that purpose..
Kayla: but i prefer not to be remember tht way
Sam: aku dah berkali2 hint hint kat dia.. do you miss me the way I do for you?
Sam: he will be like.. dun be ridiculous lah .. why are you going all touchy feely with me..
Sam: so.. I stopped looking at him from that perspective..
Sam: some said it is like.. the tale of unrequited love.. but somehow, I can never get enough of him at times.. once in a while, I will buy his cigarettes, his food.. or travel to his place.. with my own money..

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

Kayla: first of all...do u want to get rid of him?
Sam: entah..
Kayla: i take it as a no
Sam: tiap kali akuk erase his name from my phone.. will just get back the new number..
Sam: he calls..
Sam: he smses..
Kayla: because tho he cant fulfill u in term of love...
Kayla: he still can satisfy u sexually
Kayla: want to know my take on this one?
Kayla: he calls he smses just to ensure that he still have u to be used
Kayla: so if u want something from someone...u will be nice to him/her...
Kayla: and thats what hes doing now...
Kayla: and since u are emotionally attached to him...despite wht he does to u ...u still think that hes doing a nice thing
Kayla: ...correct?

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Sam: compact rationalisation..
Sam: why can't I see that from your perspective?
Sam: sigh..
Sam: love is blind.. I just poked my eyes straight
Kayla: because u are too attached to him emotionally
Kayla: when it involves emotion...u will have this trouble..
Kayla: trouble of letting go
Sam: he was the only guy that I have.. for now.. that sticks around and wanna talk to me once in a while..
Kayla: im not blaming u for being blinded by love...
Kayla: ppl do get blinded by love

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the stuff that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

Sam: I never really see him like a leech.. zapping me straight..
Sam: but.. somehow.. I will just end up championing him.. and making himthe right one for me.
Sam: sigh..
Kayla thts one thing abt him tht u cant let go
Kayla: hes always be the right person at the right time
Sam: satisfy me sexually? nah.. I dun think so
Kayla: well if u have the itch...u have him dont u?
Sam: nope.. when he has the itch.. he calls me.. and I come running to him..
Kayla: its because hes having trouble reaching orgasms too!
Sam: when I have the itch.. he has his appointments.. and I go and DIY
Kayla: and he receive more from u than u do from him
Kayla: ...guys are like that
Kayla: they dont want to be seen as a toy
Kayla: they want the be the one who PLAY the toys
Sam: guess so Kay.. guess I am blinded by my feelings for him.. and wanting him the way that I picture him in my mind..

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Sam: in fact.. when we sleep on the same bed.. he never held me.. just carried on watching his tv..
Kayla: if u keep on having the same hope u will end up missing the good ones along the way
Sam: occassionally.. he will touch me.. cradle my hand, leg ker.. or play around with my hands.. that's all
Sam: kalau tak.. it is back to tv ..
Kayla: sometimes u have to wake up from false hopes
Kayla: its now or never
Kayla: though it seems hard to do i really hope that u at least try ur best
Kayla: and fight the urge
Kayla: because u DO deserve someone better!
Sam: you mean.. I should start to ignore him then?
Sam: start to ignore him as in.. dun depend on him to get anything out of him.. seeing that I am nt getting any returns from it?
Kayla: it all depends on u
Kayla: if u really want to give this a stop, u should try to
Kayla: not then whatever u do is like forcing urself to do something tht u dont actually wnt to
Kayla: so answer me truthfully
Kayla: DO u want to put a stop to this
Sam: the thing is.. put a stop to wat?
Sam: meeting him?
Sam: sleeping with him?
Sam: knowing him?
Sam: which part am I supposed to put a stop to?

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Sam: this song is on my head.. "My happy ending.. avril Lavigne.."
Kayla: things to put a stop to:
Kayla: 1) sleeping with him
Kayla: 2) getting his stuffs
Kayla: u can get him stuffs but only ocassionally
Kayla: otherwise he thinks tht ur his provider
Kayla: like "bagus betul dia ni...belikan aku makan...rokok..."
Kayla: and most of all...having the strength to resist his inviting invitation
Kayla: question is...are u that strong?
Kayla: i think if u were to resist him..u have to entirely stop seeing him
Kayla: forbid any form of communication
Kayla: because i know u just cant resist his pujuk
Sam: fuck..
Sam: fuck..
Sam: kejap.. bagi akuk regain my common sense and read your lines..

He was everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Kayla: so...
Sam: tough..
Sam: payah
Sam: susah..
Sam: I will try.. that's all I Can do
Kayla: whatever im telling u is because akuk rase its abt time akuk bagi ko kesedaran sket
Sam: akuk tau
Sam: memang kau dah cuba dari dulu
Sam: nak sedarkan aku
Sam: aku ajer yang ignore it
Kayla: but this is the peak
Kayla: and im not going to repeat it the nxt time
Kayla: just that maybe a shake on the shoulder to keep u awake...
Sam: becos I mentioned the thing abt San.. so that is why you started saying it
Kayla: u mention it many times before
Kayla: but i just let it slide
Kayla: so this is the final one and iv given all my mind on this
Kayla: and i dont xpect u to do em
Kayla: just nak bagik akuk release jek
Sam: akuk tau akuk keep talking abt this
Sam: and you kept saying the same thing
Sam: wanna say goodbye
Sam: but it is so hard

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh...

Kayla: akuk tau...
Kayla: like the post kat gongkapas tuh...
Kayla: it is hard to let go...tho the other party buat taik kat kita
Kayla: because we keep on planting hopes that are impossible
Sam: becos.. we really wanna believe that it will work out somehow?
Kayla: or issit only u?
Sam: yeah
Sam: it might just be me
Kayla: judging from his respon..i dont think u should include him
Kayla: like i said....only u urself are capable of changing it
Sam: and I am the only one who is stuck at gear one.. hoping that something will come out positive from all of this..
Sam: sigh..
Kayla: keep on hoping
Kayla: there will be a point when u will eventually stop
Kayla: and when tht time comes ill be very glad
Sam: we shall see abt that..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-24 @ 1:58 a.m.

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...saying it is the hardest thing..

Love is no big truth
Driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings
A symphony that's you
Joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping
-Kings Of Convenience, "Love is No Big Truth"

Interesting chat with Nisa today, "why do men find it hard to say "I Love You" to the women/partners?" I am nt saying that I am a master at bit of men, but I do have a relatively wide experience with the men that I acquaint with along the way. At the average, boys aged 15-18 will say "I like you very much", men aged 19-22 will say "I have a strong likng for you", men aged 23-26,"I have a great attachment to you" and men aged 27-above,"I have a strong emotional attachment towards you, but I wanna check out other girls too.."

I rationalised it simply as.. some guys face difficulties in experiencing themselves in such a way that is considered as unmanly and "icky" stuff. I dun blame them, men are supposed to be tough and "no-cry" babies. To let others see their vulnerable and feminine side, is like telling others that they quietly try on their mothers' clothes when noone's looking.

Although, for men who do engage in getting in touch with their emotional side, I have to say Kudos to you and take out my shot-gun to shoot you all, since you are hardly in my life or always on invisible mode. Or wat they usually say.. " the good men are either married, attached or gays".. Sigh..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-21 @ 12:26 a.m.

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.....quicksand..

You’d kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror, you’re turning into something you are not.
Don’t leave me high, don’t leave me dry
-Radiohead, "High & Dry"

I dun feel like writing anything much at the moment, just bored and want to write my feelings out on the screen so that it will look nice read in the dark nights. I dun have much to do these days, when one is used to juggling a lot of things at one moment, nt doing anything seems like a bit of splint under your toe that irritates the daylight of you, and pressures you to get it out or else.. yah, or else wat? there is nothing to worry, just the academics and the money to come in from the tuition I will be starting soon..

if only my life will be that simple.. the non-chalance and the ignorance of tmrw may seem enticing, something like not caring wat to do, but doing it for the sake of doing it. I no longer aimed for brilliant grades and beaitiful encrypted, just the expectations of an average student, a filial daughter and a simple schoolgirl. When you reach at the point where it does not matter whether you are in school or not, you seem like you are too old/matured/aged for the age/shoes that you are wearing now. It seems as though, there are other things to worry abt in life, no longer your usual grades, your bills, but more of your surroundings.. your social life, your inner salvation. Having little voices asking you, questioning you, pounding on you for answers to make sense of your predicament.

People always ask me: "How's life?" It is too broad a term, too short a time to discuss the meandering paths that I took. In the end, we tend to answer in the present tense, trying to ignore that past that we have yet to change, that we have in the end did nothing/change anything significant worth being proud of. Far-fetched ideas; have we found the cure for AIDS? have we solved world poverty? have we found our purpose in life? have we done anything at all? weird, some people are advocating on the poverty of others while they themselves are pocketing money as a result of child labour in somewhere India.

something like, being stuck in the quicksand, as you tried to get out of it, you just sink deeper into it, and in the end, you are drowned in it altogether..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-18 @ 9:19 p.m.

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...the lonely moon..

we are together in reasons that may seem absurd to the ones looking from the outside. me and him, it feels as though we feed off each other's loneliness, pulling each other into the parallel worlds that we live in as we pass our days by. maybe, I am the one who wishes badly to enter his world and be a piece of it, that I ignore the negativity that surrounds him. I dun blame him, I dun blame him at all, for his ignorance, his passiveness and his silence. It is as though, I was drawn to him becos these qualities that were lacking in me. I cared too much, I desire acceptance from people and I talk too much for my own benefit. So, he comes into the picture and we masqueraded in this final act of having a thing for each other. well, do we?

Honestly, the reason why I am with him, is the fear of loneliness, the feeling of voidness. to be alone in that room with the deafening silence, mocking you, challenging you, silencing you with its muffles and slurs. I dun want to be alone, it is not something that I am accustomed to. and how I desperately hold on to anyone who gets close to me, pushing away those who might, actually, really want to be around me. there is this tug-and-war going on, when they are too close, I push them away, when they are too far, I want to pull them in. so, here I am, all alone again, not sure the direction to turn to, just that, being alone like this is the last thing I wanted in life.

Death by loneliness is more painful than death by a terminal illness. maybe..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-15 @ 11:55 p.m.

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...Addictive...

Gwen Stefani - What are you waiting for?

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by
Now it's only me

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
La, la, la, la, la, la, la

Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a cutter
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
Oh, ah, oh

Chorus 1:
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

Repeat Chorus 1

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid ho

Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cause of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable (uh-huh)

Oh, ah, oh
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million-dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

Repeat Chorus 1 (x2)

I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style

Go

Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

Repeat Chorus 1 (x2)

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

(What you waiting for)
Take a chance you stupid ho
Take a chance you stupid ho

regurgitated at - 2004-12-07 @ 2:49 p.m.

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...Maybe, it is a sign..

Decided to take this up as a start. Maybe, God is giving me signs in ways that I cannot comprehend why at the moment. I hope this will be a good start to something real to come..

Course Title (Code) BCI_1C_04 (Beginners Course In Islam)
Lang ENGLISH
Day Tuesday
First Session 30/11/2004
Last Session 08/02/2005
Time 20:00 - 21:30
Venue Auditorium
Vacancies Left 26
Sessions 11 sessions
Remarks Course date is subject to change without prior notice. Minimum age to register for BCI is 18 years old. Please take note that "NO CHILDREN ARE ALLOWED IN THIS CLASS."

Course Title Session Dates
30/11/2004
07/12/2004
14/12/2004
21/12/2004
28/12/2004
04/01/2005
11/01/2005
18/01/2005
25/01/2005
01/02/2005
08/02/2005

When you are scared of something.. that means you dun understand.. and you seek to find that understanding.. so that you will nt be scared anymore.

regurgitated at - 2004-12-05 @ 12:34 a.m.

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...Kau Balik eh nak?

Picked up the ringing phone, ruffled through the sheets to find it. Flipped..

Me: Hello? [Throat hurts.. ]
Mak: Kau belum bangun lagi? Akak ngan anak gi mana?
Me: Diaorang pergi orientasi anak kat sekolah.
Mak: Semalam, Mak teman Makcik kau pergi beli aisbok. Harga dia 550, dapat discount 450.
Me: Baguslah, murah sikit.
Mak: Kau bangun lah Seha, amik Mak bawak pergi gedung tempat ayah kau kerja. Mak nak beli barang yang sesuai untuk rumah.
Me: Owh, hmmm.. Mak nak beli apa2 kat sana?
Mak: Ayah kau tanya, kau nak beli laptop tak? Harga dia murah 1500 aje. Mak tak reti pakai, mana mak tau apa nak beli.
Me: Mahal tuh Mak, buat apa nak beli. Seha tak pakai..
Mak: Kau balik lah nak, bawak balik barang2 yang Mak tinggalkan kat rumah Along kau.
Me: Seha malas nak balik hari nie, masih nak main ngan budak2.
Mak: Kalau gitu, kau amik Mak bawak pergi gedung tuh. Lepas tuh, kau balik lah. Ok?
Me: Hmmm..
Mak: Mak tunggu kau kat stesten bas kat belakang sekolah Tanglin. Datang tau..
Me: K.. Mak tunggu Seha siap lah.. nanti Seha datang..
Mak: k.. Bye
Me: Bye Mak..

Flipped. Placed the phone on the counter, and walked out to the study room. Empty

regurgitated at - 2004-12-04 @ 11:02 a.m.

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...Wasn't this wat I wanted?

I dunno how long this entry will be, but it seems that it has been a while since I updated anything in my journal. Some must have been wondering why the silence, why the blank stare into the computer, why the empty webspace when it should be filled. The whys are now being questioned, but give me time to answer these questions myself, before I can answer to anyone that I know.

Ran away from home, why do I call it running away from home? Becos, I did that, packed my bag and made my way to Along's place for peace. It seems as though, the house that is stated in my I/C seems tumultous, draining every zap of energy left residing in the body. I dun want to indulge in it, but I think, there is something wrong going on in me. How do I tell my parents that it is nt their fault that things happen this way. Nor is it of mine that things happen the way that I have yet to comprehend. I am going through this phase of life, a so-called mid age crisis that sent me questioning abt my purpose in life and the reasons for the things I do to myself and my parents and those who really care abt me.

What Sanni said was right, I need to noe what I want and make neccessary sacrifices if I have to. To change and enter a new life, I need to forget the things that I enjoy doing now, things that are wrong but feel so right when the moment calls for it. People that dragged me through the darker side of me, and gather to those who will bring the lighter side of me to surface. I need to make myself worthy, no longer a cheap woman, no longer the old me.

Soul-searching is just one fucked up process of trying to blame others for something that you noe you should nt have done at the first place. That is when reality hits home.. hmmm..

regurgitated at - 2004-12-04 @ 12:50 a.m.

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